In March, I turned 49 and to my surprise, it was the worst birthday that I have ever experienced. Turning 49, not only made me focus on my professional future but also on my life in general. In addition, I have spent the last several months feeling stressed, overwhelmed, simply unable to firmly grasp how to manage a variety of life transitions that I must face. The more these thoughts consumed me the harder it became to write.
My head filled with so many incomplete thoughts that when I considered writing, nothing seemed worthy of more than a sentence, if that. Not enough for a blog post. I had no idea where to begin.
I find it interesting that for me, as long as things are going well, I can write. However, as my thoughts become chaotic, writing becomes impossible. Maybe this goes back to English class and the requirement for an introduction, supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion.
How can I write a blog post when there is no conclusion? All that I have had for months are fragmented thoughts that sometimes could not even be compiled into a meaningful sentence. These fragments endlessly spinning in my head. Before I get to the end of one, there is another to negate it or a thought that is unrelated, demanding my attention.
With each fragmented thought, the stress, uncertainty, and emotional instability are unbearable.
This is not me. This is not how I handle things. I am have always had a conclusion even before the problem is fully presented. Now, for months, there are only fragments, which I try to solve but later, moments, hours, those thoughts are back again insisting on a resolution. Round and round it goes, day after day.
As the months since my birthday have passed, I have also experienced some physiological changes that were unexpected and not easy for me to accept. In short, I believe that what women are told will happen as we age is not at all the full reality. Yes, our bodies change but the onset can be immediate, shocking, and unsettling. I will save this conversation for another post. Ladies, stay tuned, men too if you want to be enlightened.
I will say this, for the first time in my life, being a woman is much harder than I ever thought it would be.
Although, I still have mostly fragments and remain far from any conclusions, I am writing again because today, I finally feel in control of my thoughts. and I want to share what is going on.
Hopefully, I will be able to keep writing so we can take this journey together.