I am learning that most things that I learned about life are not true. I am learning that as one becomes an independent person, life does not fit together like the nice puzzle that were were led to believe it would. Becoming independent and saying, I am not going to do life the way that I have been told I should is scary.
Regardless of what anyone says to me or the sound of an annoyed sigh, I do believe that life will work out the way that it should no matter my best or worst intentions. I am not saying that my efforts will not expedite or delay the outcome, they will, but in the end, my life is destined to take a certain path.
As I approach 50 and look back on my life, I can pinpoint EVERY pivotal moment that worked out as it should have to get me to where I am today. Some of those events occurred when I was too young to have any influence on the outcome and some, no matter how hard I worked for a different outcome, the final outcome was meaningful and right for my life.
As I think about my professional life, I am torn between the desire to quit without a plan or a new job and maintaining the current job until I have a plan in place for “next” and a firm job offer in hand. I keep asking myself, “Why is it so scary to just stop doing what I am doing?” Well, I think it is mostly because I have never done it this way and the way that life has always been explained to me is that only a fool stops working without a new job offer on the table.
Do I care about the “sigh” when I mention that i may continue in my current position until I have a plan? Why can’t I stop thinking about the comment informing me that my plan to stop working and figure out my life is easier than another’s decision to continue working? Of course, I know it is my fault for sharing my thoughts with others before I clearly know what i am doing but hey, I am prone to emotional musings too.
Why do even the best people find fault and resentment in another person’s decisions? If someone wants to remain in their position or leave, I am fine with it either way. I recognize that we all have reasons for our decisions. I keep finding that when people make poor decisions in their own lives or things do not seem to be working the way they believe they should, they quickly project that to others instead of dealing with their own lives.
Here is one of my favorites. As I have mentioned, I was single for 18 years before I began a new relationship almost two years ago. As I talked to a good friend about the relationship, in the same way that we had talked about everything for more than five years, I noticed a change. Then, one day, I said something about my relationship and the response was tossed back, “Well, at least you have a boyfriend, I do not”. I am going to be honest here. I thought WTF! You know that I have been single for years but now that I have a boyfriend, somehow you want to put me down for that?
I wrote this post in the summer of 2017 to make these thoughts stop rolling around in my head. Today, after reading it, I understand that no matter the opinions or words of others, I simply have to push forward, win or lose with what I feel is right. I did leave my job with no prospects for the future and I am still feeling fine about my decision. I do talk about my relationship, not to make anyone else feel bad but because it is as normal to talk about as anything else that is happening in my life. I need to become more discerning about what I share and when I do share, I have to become less emotional to the feedback that I receive.