Melodies of My Life

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What do I think when asked to write about the word Melody? The first thought that always comes to mind surrounds my suicide attempt in 1997. After leaving the hospital and starting my recovery, I decided that it was not to be a secret because the more suicide and depression are discussed, the more people will start to understand the disease. I told all of my closest friends and for the most part, they were supportive.

Melody had the most unforgettable response to the news. She said, “Why would you do that? You do not have problems. If anyone should try suicide it is me. I just got married and had a baby, I am the one with stress.” I distanced myself for her and needless to say, the friendship eventually ended. Not through trying, but my life shifted and one day, she was not longer in it. Depression and suicide attempts are so far in my rear view mirror now but I will never forget Melody.

Melody’s response will always remind me that there are people who will never see depression and attempted suicide as not being a conscious choice that one makes but a disease that takes full control and the fight to avoid it sometimes becomes so unbearable that the victim feels there is no other way than to let it win.

Melody. A friend from my grade school days. I cannot remember her last name but when I think of the word Melody, she is the second thing that comes to mind. She was a quiet, gentle girl who was very easy to get along with and I remember her fondly.  I used to envy people like Melody because I am the opposite. I speak my mind, have a very expressive face, and no one considers me quiet. Once, during my grade school years, I decided to try and be quiet and sweet. At that early age, I quickly realized that is not who I am and I returned to my authentic self, which is fine. I like myself as I am and I have lots of people in my life to provide validation if needed.

Hmmmm, now I am wondering if I should have simply written about how soothing melodies are when I listen to music before I fall asleep or how, every now and then, I actually want to remain on hold because a tune that I love and have not heard in a long time is playing.

Did I travel the wrong path with this post???? Melody. Who knew it could go so deep.


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14 Responses to Melodies of My Life

  1. I too have suffered with depression for over 15 years. It is a difficult concept for people that have never felt the struggle to grasp. It is good to talk about it openly- I do as well. My family has a genetic disposition to it and this information was withheld from me until I was in the blows of struggling. I promised never to leave my kids in the dark and to be open and tell my story with whomever would listen. It is a disease that is still misunderstood by so many in society. Yet, I have seen the ugliness of it and it’s effects on myself and loved ones. Thanks for sharing!

    • Carolyn says:

      I am glad that you have brought your children into the discussion. Not only will they have a better understanding but they will be able to help others understand. My depression was from years of “stuff” and once I addressed it and identified my responsibilities, I improved. I have learned, with the assistance of an amazing therapist, to deal with issues as they arise and not to suppress them by saying, “it does not matter’. It does matter and eventually suppressing will bring me to my knees! Best wishes for a less painful struggle.

  2. Me'Chell says:

    Once again Carolyn you’ve spoke on a topic that has been weighing on my mind Heavily this morning. My youngest son who is nineteen is attending a funeral today for one of his elementary school friends who decided to take his life this earlier this week. My son never has been one who likes to talk about his own feelings. So this morning I was just asking myself if I should try and ask him how his feeling about the choice his friend made, or should I just let him deal with his emotions and thoughts on this matter his own way, and grieve in his own time frame…..

  3. Joanna Lynn says:

    My husband committed suicide almost seven years ago. I will admit that it makes my stomach turn and upsets me to read it wasn’t his choice. I think he always planned to end his life this way and, after one unsuccessful attempt and a lifetime of lying, betrayal and abuse, it all started to come to the surface and he didn’t couldn’t face it (his words from his suicide note). I’m glad you didn’t succeed in your attempt. It’s so, so awful for those who see left behind.

    • Carolyn says:

      Joanna, I am very sorry for your loss. My hope is that depression and suicide are better understood by society. No one wins when they occur.

      • Joanna Lynn says:

        You’re right. I wasn’t upset that you wrote what you did. I was just sharing my reaction. It was a good piece because it made me feel.

        • Carolyn says:

          I am glad that my post had an impact and that you were willing to share your thoughts with me! I share my thoughts hoping to inspire a reaction and your feedback will help me grow. I hope that you will stick around and share your thoughts on other topics!! Happy Weekend!!

  4. It’s sad when someone gets to a point of taking away their own life. If we in society were more caring, we would not let anyone get to that point. We ought to be each other’s keeper but we are not. We have to work harder for more love in the world so that people are not left to feel unloved to a point of committing suicide.

  5. I followed your path all the way to the end and never thought once about sound. Great job! Thank you for sharing that with me today!

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