Value

Reading Time: 2 minutes

via Daily Prompt: Value

Recently, my days seem to be overflowing with people delivering honesty, after the fact. One bit of “honesty” was delivered after the kid cried and insisted the truth was being told. I left the room, came back, we revisited the topic, and finally, the kid admitted that the first round was a lie. Then, we progressed to honesty. I bet many of you have sad-kidexperienced this. Sometimes, it takes a bit of time and patience to extract honesty from a kid. Fortunately, we usually know them well enough so we know the work ahead of us to extract the truth but we persevere in the end. Although I wish kids would just do what they should, yes, that is the adult perspective, reality tells me that kids are going to try things and it is my responsibility to help them fix it and lay a foundation for how they will do it in the future. More than correcting the wrong, I must help them understand the value of honesty and how much easier life can be with honesty as opposed to deceit.

Honesty or lack thereof, is much more complicated when dealing with adults and how much or how little we value honesty over whatever else is competing.

I was recently told that I should have “picked up on clues” that were presented over the past year and if I had, the truth would have been clear. It was my responsibility to put the “puzzle” together and because I did not, there was no deception, just my failure to pay attention and ask the right questions. ¬†Ummm, NO!!

If you are vague in your delivery, if you do not put what you need to say in one simple sentence, if you are aware that my understanding is incorrect and you do not make the necessary corrections, you are being dishonest. It is your responsibility to clarify the minute that you realize I am heading down a wrong path. It is not for me to pick up clues and piece your story together.

Lying by omission is still lying and dishonest. It hurts and makes it hard to trust.

I must say, I too am guilty of “lying by omission”.

There are times that I need to tell someone information that is hurtful, does not paint me in a good light, or even, something that is good but makes me vulnerable and I avoid it. Each time I try to say the words, I become overwhelmed and I let the conversation move past the moment that would be appropriate to introduce the information. At that time, I value protecting myself/feelings over the honesty that I know the other person deserves.

When in the moment, I have come to realize that what we often value, more than anything else is, self preservation. Often, it is not a conscious action, it happens before we can stop it. In essence, the “train leaves the station” and it is difficult to get it back. We want to be compassion-857765_640honesty and tell the person what needs to be said but the words just will not come, fear takes over, and the moment passes.

Although the adult dishonesty was hurtful, I completely understand it. I voiced my displeasure but I also vowed to myself that I will place more of my focus on honest and work to say what I need to in the moment and not wait until the information has the potential to truly derail a relationship.

 

What do you value???

 

This entry was posted in Relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Value

  1. I definitely value this post! Honesty must be the hardest thing to come by these days. Sometimes we are too honest sometimes not honest enough. We hurt people with our honesty and we exclude people without it. How do we tame this beast we know as Honesty? Well quite frankly by being honest. It’s easier than it sounds ofcourse. When people are feeling confident I believe they delve into the world of honesty but come on lets face it how often is everyone feeling confident? I think we have to move forward with the understanding that by being honest always you can find your way to a confident you and even that is easier than it sounds but it does work. I believe there is a time and place to be honest with the people you love. Especially when it’s not going to be an easy conversation be it your children, partner or friends. I believe that honesty can be achieved between people when they feel safe and in a safe environment. Honesty takes more than one conversation, time to deliver and re-visit the issue’s not often can it be done in one sitting. We often need time to get past the anger of truth to see the truth. I know truth delivered by my husband has made me so angry at times that I just wanted to walk out and leave it all behind. It’s so painful to deal with and so necessary. In the end you see the truth and can grow from it.
    If you are at a point in a relationship when you are being told “you should have seen the signs” it’s time for honesty. Even if it feels like you will never get to the honest part again you will. Discussion upon discussion will draw all of this out and yes you will become closer in the end however it is never your responsibility to read the signs. Never… If you do happen to pick up on them I think it would be your responsibility to call the other person out and ask them “what is going on”? Hopefully they will answer honestly or maybe set aside a time to get into what has been going on but no one ever wants to live a lie. Deceit is all I have felt in moments where I have been told “didn’t you notice” “couldn’t you tell”? I mean SORRY I cracked my crystal ball last week…so I haven’t been able to play that game as of late.

  2. Carolyn says:

    You shared a lot that is meaningful but definitely, “we are more apt to be honest when we are feeling confident” is a keeper! Yes, if I know how the person is going to respond and it is positive, I am willing to tell them anything. It is those things that make me feel ashamed or the fear that I am going to hurt the other person that make me shy away and avoid the conversation. Although, being told that “there were clues” was frustrating, I understand how hard it was for the person to share this part of their past and I truly believe it is the largest and only secret.

    I will say, the 30 year old me would have been gone. The 48 year old me knows there is so much more to this person than the omission and I really believe this made us stronger. It definitely made me consider how I handle and expect honesty. It also made me aware of how differently people communicate. Oh the wisdom that comes with age or is it that I am tired and the less conflict the better??? Either way, I am ready to leave this week behind and start anew!

    Have a wonderful week!

  3. Carolyn says:

    I also want to acknowledge your reference to love. I was angry, but that is not a feeling that I like. I am also a thinker so it only takes me a few minutes to stop blaming the other person 100% and ask myself, where do I fit in this.

    I came to the conclusion that the omission was wrong but this person has life experiences that have made him who he is. He has experienced situations that have taught him how to react and interact with other people. I know from the simple tone in his voice when he broke the news, it was one of the hardest things he has ever done. In the end, he said there is nothing else and I believe him because in the year that I have known him, he has been very honest with me. So, in the end, I love him more than I am angry about the omission. As a matter of fact, I am over it:)

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.